Sunday 8 June 2014

Self loathing and strong cravings

Is actually been 3 days since my last post but due to blogger issues I had to repost last night.

So far I'm going fairly well, I'm not eating dairy, added sugar, grains and and foods with a bunch of sweeteners of chemicals and I'm eating real food not replacements. My energy levels are really good, I went for a run through the mountains yesterday with no issues and will go again today so the no grains aren't causing me issues although I am trying to counter the typical slump people feel by eating yams and a small amount of fruit. I will eventually titrate these to my exercise levels but for now the real effort needs to focus on my making healthy choices without feeling deprived.

It's interesting that I noted this trigger in myself as I was reading a study last night that talks about dieting and restriction as being a key factor in binges for those of us predisposed..yay for knowing my own body! A different study talk about the different effects sugar has on the brains of people with EDs as opposed to normal eaters; during an MRI it was shown that anorexics brain activity identified a stress response to sugar whereas a bulimics showed an over excitation in areas that displayed reward. It's normal for sugar to have this effect which leads many experts to believe it is an addictive substance, what's not known is if it's genetics that cause an abnormal response or if it's a result from a habit of poor choices. Given my experience I'd say it's both, while I may be predisposed to an ED based on genetics my choices can determine if it's active or dormant.

I'm sleeping well and don't have the hate the world or carb flu that so many people report - I did when I stated last week though so either my body has recovered from my last binge quickly or those symptoms people report are psychosomatic.

Emotionally this is tough. I am constantly fighting my urges right now sometimes they are so strong it's unsettling and I've realised how I've linked so much emotion and comfort to food that I almost feel unsettled without it. I try and distract myself but there have been real moments that I've sat in my car about to drive to the shop to get chocolate or the like. I'm treating it as though it were a smoking addiction (or at least how I assume it would be) I try and talk myself down using logic by telling myself that each urge I ignore will make the next one weaker.

I'm eating more to avoid hunger and really hate my body right now, it sickens me so eating more is hard. I'm 5'6 (173cm) and 154 pounds (70kg) which I have never been and my desire is to starve to lose but so far that hasn't worked for me too well.





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