Wednesday 11 June 2014

Day 7 poor emotional mindset



I guess I shouldn't have weighed myself after all. I've mentioned earlier
that I am eating more and that this is a frightening thing for me; now I've
convinced myself that it may look as though I lost weight due to water loss
but that I am in fact getting fatter through eating but my water loss is
masking it. I'm tempted to stop eating but am fighting the urge.
I'm still fighting cravings, last night was for coconut ice which is very
strange as I think I've eaten it once and didn't like it! The cravings are
definitely worse when I'm hungry hence my forcing myself to eat and not skip
meals.


I found my old journal detailing my attempts last year to beat my eating
disorder; it's not nice to read as it catalogues my achievements,
enthusiasms and then my terrible failures, guilt and self loathing. It makes
me wonder why I'm bothering as I'm bound to fail in this attempt as well. I
remind myself to stop and take one day at a time; I may have failed
previously but I can control if I succeed or fail TODAY.
My energy hasn't been great at all! Which is normal during this phase of
eliminating sugars and grains and as my body adapts to fat as an energy
source; it doesn't help that sleep has been elusive. Exercise hasn't been
too badly affected though, I managed to do a moderate weight session and 5km
run at a decent pace yesterday in fact it made me feel better so I won't be
avoiding the gym. I remember this phase from before; then one morning I woke
up and felt as though I could conquer the world, I hope that feeling arrives
soon!

One weird thing, I have been very thirsty. I'm drinking allot of water and
notice that my urine will be clear and then all of a sudden very bright as
though I've been taking a multi vitamin (this is almost 12 hours after I've
taken my B vitamins) at night I am needing to pee allot. Definitely
disproportionate to  the amount of fluid I'm drinking of an
afternoon/evening. Possibly I'm still dumping allot of retained fluid?


My workout today was TOUGH, it was actually a fairly easy session I finished work too late to get to the gym so did an Insanity workout. Because I'm feeling sluggish I regressed to month 1 and did the Pure Cardio which I usually find pretty easy I struggled and barely managed to make it through all of the sets and had to take allot of breaks. For someone who is so poorly disciplined when it comes to food I'm usually good with my workouts, I'm proud of my fitness levels and believe that pushing through is mind over matter- today I was pretty much just wriggling around like a slug!! (If anyone doesn't know about Insanity look it up, it is excellent!)

Right now I'm struggling, the thought of sitting down in front of a DVD with some kalbi and rice and a tub of ice cream is enormous; it would feel like the most comforting thing in the world. I don't know where this is coming from; I had a good, productive day at work I'm not tired, hungry or any more lonely then usual and I'm kind of proud to making it to day 7- yet I want to destroy it.

I miss my home, I love where I live healthy eating is huge in my area so we have weekly farmers markets with fresh organic produce, my local butcher specialises in organic grass fed meat, the chocolate shop that imports artisan chocolates from all around Europe stocks chocolate made from cocoa butter with very, very minimal sugar. There are a few paleo restaurants and cafés (my dog and I frequent my favourite every weekend for breakfast, he eats his nitrate free bacon and I have something delicious!) even the regular grocery store has a section for healthy foods and stocks a huge amount of fresh produce.

I hate the food here, the grocery stores are just isles and isles of sugar filled, processed junk. We have isles of processed rubbish at home too but no where on this scale; it's as though there is a race to pack as much sugar and fake ingredients into the biggest shiniest box. I'm so homesick.

The thought of battling this forever makes me want to give in; I hope it gets better.






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