Sunday 8 June 2014

Admitting I have a problem


If you read my very short (!) whole30 blog you will have probably noted
the abrupt end and switch to this topic, what started out as a simple Whole30 blog has by necessity
become something a bit more personal. I suppose the great thing about the
Whole30 is that it has made me really examine my eating disorder/s (ED) and
their effect on my emotional and physical self. I suffer from a binge eating
disorder (BED) and subsequent bulimia, I have had these issues for years
although with my recent move overseas it has become worse.


I will keep the posts of my Whole30 blog as a preamble but to be fair to the
folks at Whole30 will dissociate this blog as being directly related. Don't
get me wrong, I think that the Whole30 is a sensible, straightforward
approach to health and nutrition and it will certainly form the basis of my
recovery.  I believe in the principles set out on their website and their
book "It Starts With Food" and think it will help me to reach the outcome I
desire being recovery from my EDs and a healthier mind and body but I don't
want them to be "responsible" for my success and setbacks as they never set
out to treat EDs.


The reason that I think a whole 30 approach to food will help is in relation
to my food triggers. If you read my whole30 posts you will know that I had
to go into the field for about 6 days and tried to take alternatives to the
provided MREs. I did pretty well actually, in addition to the already candy
style high sugar, refined carbs, bad fat meals given to us people decided to
bring along an abundance of candy bars, sport drink powders and the like. I
managed to stay away from it all and stuck to my nuts/jerky/tuna diet. I
didn't feel amazing but processed meats and nuts are obviously not the way
to optimal health although was a better solution than the alternative.


I may have gone through some of the physical struggles that people describe
in the initial Whole30 stages, but I was also performing physical tasks in a
high altitude, humid environment, sleeping on the ground for a total of
about 5 hours a night. I was tired and my hands and feet swelled up which is
probably due to a number of factors given my environment! I woke up well
though and didn't have any of the weird racing heart feelings that I've been
experiencing which was really great.


On the last day I was given a fiber bar by a friend who was very proud to
have kept it for me, I felt bad so I ate it. This triggered by disordered
thinking in a couple of ways, the first was the addictive reaction to the
food, as usual I couldn't be happy with that one bar and needed more junk.
The second was the thought that "Oh well I've stuffed up already may as well
make it a good one."


On my return journey I opened an MRE for the first time and ate packets of
peanut butter on fake bread and plastic tasting cakes. I wanted more but
stopped myself.  The following day (yesterday) I had massive urges but
successfully fought them, the day after not so well done though.


I was working at my desk and someone asked me to join them for some birthday
cake. As before I felt rude saying no so had a slice and the exact same
physical and thought process began. I binged horribly last night, pop tarts,

large slices of garlic bread with melted cheese and Reece's. I wasn't hungry
but this is never hunger related. I knew what I was doing, I knew how bad it
was but couldn't give a damn. I received no satisfaction from these foods,
but I never really do when I binge.


In addition to the self loathing and disgust that followed the worst of my
physical symptoms returned. Last night I could not sleep due to the racing
heart returning and my skin itched, this morning I woke up feeling groggy
and hung over.  I am more certain than ever now of how unhealthy these foods
are, I suppose the break was just long enough for my body to get used to
their absence.


I don't want this anymore. I want to be kind to my body and to deal with my
issues. I'm going to try and follow the whole30 to help my recovery but am
going to make a couple of tweaks. The main being that in the initial stages
I will allow myself one paleo treat a week, each week I get through will see
me being rewarded in this manner. I know that this seems counter intuitive
but food as a reward has never been my issue, more food as a habit or even a
punishment. I feel that if I can have something to work toward and look
forward to I won't get the deprivation response of needing to run off on a
binge. 


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