Monday 9 June 2014

Day five and my head hurts

I've made it to day five! My cravings are pretty bad though, I'm horribly craving kalbi and white rice which was one of my binge foods. Sometimes I'd get two enormous serves then sit at home watching a movie and eat until I couldn't move apart to get to the bathroom to bring it up again. Ugh, I hate that I've done that and I hated the way it made me feel but the pull to do it has always been so strong especially if I've had a bad day.

It was crazy really as I knew I wouldn't bring it all up and that I was gaining weight as normal bulimics are often normal or a tad over weight but I kept with it thinking I would just purge harder next time. Allot of bulimics eat things such as ice cream believing it easy to vomit, in hindsight this is pretty stupid as sugars are absorbed rapidly (think about how quickly a type 1 diabetic recovers from eating sugar during a hypoglycaemic attack) and sugars are one of the main culprits in weight gain.

I'm very happy with my decision to cut out grains, dairy, added sugars, legumes and processed foods and to add organic produce to my diet again. I've eaten paleo previously and it worked great for me, amazing body, skin, energy, mood and am looking forward to getting back to that point. For now though I'm going through the withdrawals! My head is aching and feels fuzzy which I remember well from the first time I did the whole 30.  (Last year) and my cravings are tough but I'm trying so hard to work through them.

I wish that I has never gotten onto the slippery slope of getting off my paleo diet and back onto my disordered eating. My current time overseas hasn't helped, to start with healthy food is hard to come by here (not impossible though so no excuse) the main reason is that I've felt so lonely and isolated here. I'm spending six months on the other side of the world from my home, friends and family for work; this is my second six month absence in the last 18 months. An eating disorder can seem like a friendly thing, you feel like you can control it at first and start to look forward to getting home at the end of the day to lose yourself in the comfort of it, it's like coming home to a lover. I imagine it's the same for an alcoholic and eventually you realise it's destroying you but feel almost powerless to stop.

So here I am, fat, unhealthy and ashamed but taking my life back. Even though I'm eating more I remind myself that everything I'm eating is healthy and contains nutrients to restore and not damage my health, apart probably from my paleo treat my foods are healthful and nutrient dense. So while I may put on more weight in this initial phase I'm healing myself.

I've been taking omega 3 fish oil and a vitamin b complex (soy/dairy/grain free) to help moderate my moods and have been eating a serving of sauerkraut or kimchi (sugar free) before bed to restore healthy gastrointestinal flora as my recent foray back into binge/purge has probably left me pretty depleted.

I can imagine that it must seem pretty stupid to some reading this that I've recognised that I have a problem and am using diet, supplements, exercise and blogging to help rather then seek medical intervention. When I'm home I will possibly seek treatment but while I'm here and in a difficult situation, all medical care I receive is through my workplace doctors this means that I will probably be sent home if I admit to my disorder which will be damaging to my career.

I simply can't risk it but feel the key to recovery is managing my own impulse control and ability to self soothe and really only I can change my behaviours. This should get me through for the last month or so until I'm home, then I'm joining a recovery group. No one should so this alone.









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