Up to day 12 nightshades

Things have been going well until today.  No feelings of super energy or wellness but
steady improvement and no cravings. I'm cutting back my 90% cocoa intake as
I realize it's just mimicking old bad habits. 

I'm starting to wonder if perhaps I have a nightshade allergy. I haven't
been eating many tomatoes over the last few weeks but ate them on Saturday
and noticed that my left elbow and knees hurt on Sunday. I didn't make the
link and ate them again on Sunday and have felt terrible today being Monday.
My knees and left elbow hurt, my fingers feel swollen, I am horribly "backed
up" and have absolutely no energy at all. In fact I felt so bad earlier in
the morning that I thought I may have to go home sick. I forced myself to go
for a walk outside and drink some extra water instead which made me improve
somewhat.

I wanted to work out after work but only managed the energy to lay on my bed and watch tv which is pretty unusual for me. 

Damnit! This will upset me greatly if I am in fact allergic I love tomatoes.
Thinking back though the last time my joints swelled like this was just
after I'd eaten bolognaise I had thought it was due to the fact that I'd let
myself get severely dehydrated on a hike the day before.  

I've been watching my colleagues today eating bags of chips, cakes and
noodles for lunch and all looking so energetic and happy while I'm
here doing all the right things and feeling like I can barely get out of my chair. 

Friday and Saturday I felt really great, Sunday I woke up feeling as though I'd been drinking and today I feel worse then any other day. I ate the tomatoes Saturday night so I guess they could be the culprit. Heigh ho :(

Day 8 Ive made it a whole week :)

So today I feel good!
I’d be surprised if anyone is still reading; I sound like the mother of sorrows on my previous entries and am sure that this will be an emotional rollercoaster of a journey but for today at least I am on a peak :)

I’ve made it a full week with no grains, dairy, sugars apart from fruits and vegetables (beside my  palio treat a week) processed food and legumes more importantly no binging!!!!!

My mind is clear and my energy levels are high it’s actually a weird feeling as it's centred in my core which is hard to explain. My stomach has settled down too I’m back to being regular with no bloating or discomfort.

The weird thing about my energy is that I feel like I'm humming along with no tiredness or energy slumps except for exercise! I went for a six mile (10 kilometres) run today  along a mountain trail and my legs turned traitorous becoming lead or jelly depending on the most inconvenient time for the terrain. It's a tough trail some parts are too steep to run and need to be taken more at a climb or scramble but I can usually manage pretty well. I tried to relax into it and enjoy the solitude of the mountain and focus on the sounds of the birds and my feet hitting the dirt which didn't really help! I know this is normal for people when they first go paleo as the body adapts from easy sugars to fats for fuel and may take a couple of weeks to adapt properly. I'm hoping I can speed it up by exercise. 

My mood is great! No cravings today either and I’m even starting to like black coffee! I’ve tempered my cravings a bit by adding a snack to my days at the moment consisting of 2 squares of Lindt 90% Cacao Chocolate (no dairy, soy or grains! Only very minimal sugar less then 2 grams so around as much sugar as is in a lemon and less then say an apple which has 15 grams) and a 100 cal packet of walnuts; it’s helping me to mentally stay on track and the lack of sweetness does not trigger me. The only weird thing is that I am still constantly thirsty. 

So today I'm doing well, tomorrow might be different but all I can do is tack each day at a time.

Day 7 poor emotional mindset

I guess I shouldn't have weighed myself after all. I've mentioned earlier
that I am eating more and that this is a frightening thing for me; now I've
convinced myself that it may look as though I lost weight due to water loss
but that I am in fact getting fatter through eating but my water loss is
masking it. I'm tempted to stop eating but am fighting the urge.
I'm still fighting cravings, last night was for coconut ice which is very
strange as I think I've eaten it once and didn't like it! The cravings are
definitely worse when I'm hungry hence my forcing myself to eat and not skip
meals.

I found my old journal detailing my attempts last year to beat my eating
disorder; it's not nice to read as it catalogues my achievements,
enthusiasms and then my terrible failures, guilt and self loathing. It makes
me wonder why I'm bothering as I'm bound to fail in this attempt as well. I
remind myself to stop and take one day at a time; I may have failed
previously but I can control if I succeed or fail TODAY.
My energy hasn't been great at all! Which is normal during this phase of
eliminating sugars and grains and as my body adapts to fat as an energy
source; it doesn't help that sleep has been elusive. Exercise hasn't been
too badly affected though, I managed to do a moderate weight session and 5km
run at a decent pace yesterday in fact it made me feel better so I won't be
avoiding the gym. I remember this phase from before; then one morning I woke
up and felt as though I could conquer the world, I hope that feeling arrives
soon!
One weird thing, I have been very thirsty. I'm drinking allot of water and
notice that my urine will be clear and then all of a sudden very bright as
though I've been taking a multi vitamin (this is almost 12 hours after I've
taken my B vitamins) at night I am needing to pee allot. Definitely
disproportionate to  the amount of fluid I'm drinking of an
afternoon/evening. Possibly I'm still dumping allot of retained fluid?

My workout today was TOUGH, it was actually a fairly easy session I finished work too late to get to the gym so did an Insanity workout. Because I'm feeling sluggish I regressed to month 1 and did the Pure Cardio which I usually find pretty easy I struggled and barely managed to make it through all of the sets and had to take allot of breaks. For someone who is so poorly disciplined when it comes to food I'm usually good with my workouts, I'm proud of my fitness levels and believe that pushing through is mind over matter- today I was pretty much just wriggling around like a slug!! (If anyone doesn't know about Insanity look it up, it is excellent!)

Right now I'm struggling, the thought of sitting down in front of a DVD with some kalbi and rice and a tub of ice cream is enormous; it would feel like the most comforting thing in the world. I don't know where this is coming from; I had a good, productive day at work I'm not tired, hungry or any more lonely then usual and I'm kind of proud to making it to day 7- yet I want to destroy it.

I miss my home, I love where I live healthy eating is huge in my area so we have weekly farmers markets with fresh organic produce, my local butcher specialises in organic grass fed meat, the chocolate shop that imports artisan chocolates from all around Europe stocks chocolate made from cocoa butter with very, very minimal sugar. There are a few paleo restaurants and cafés (my dog and I frequent my favourite every weekend for breakfast, he eats his nitrate free bacon and I have something delicious!) even the regular grocery store has a section for healthy foods and stocks a huge amount of fresh produce.

I hate the food here, the grocery stores are just isles and isles of sugar filled, processed junk. We have isles of processed rubbish at home too but no where on this scale; it's as though there is a race to pack as much sugar and fake ingredients into the biggest shiniest box. I'm so homesick.

The thought of battling this forever makes me want to give in; I hope it gets better.

Day 6

This morning I did something I shouldn't have in my priority of health over weight control... I weighed myself.

Silly thing to do as those of you reading with EDs know how the scale can drive you to starve, leading to binge, leading to purge, leading to scale and the cycle goes on. So I reminded myself before stepping on that I've been eating allot more food in a consistent manner and had just had a big breakfast, two big glasses of water and a big mug of coffee so to factor that in when my heart plummets looking at the increase on the scale. (TMI but I haven't been to the bathroom for a couple of days too)

152 pounds (69 kilos). I've lost weight.

Now I get that water retention will play a huge part in this but even my body releasing this fluid is a great thing! I also know that the scale is going to go up and down for a bit especially while I'm in this phase of avoiding hunger to reset my body but I am so happy!!

It took me much longer to drop to this weight replacing 2 meals a day with crappy meal replacements, I was starving and unhappy all the time and subsequently binged.

I shouldn't have weighed myself but I am glad I did, it's reinforced this new pursuit of health for me :)

Day five and my head hurts

I've made it to day five! My cravings are pretty bad though, I'm horribly craving kalbi and white rice which was one of my binge foods. Sometimes I'd get two enormous serves then sit at home watching a movie and eat until I couldn't move apart to get to the bathroom to bring it up again. Ugh, I hate that I've done that and I hated the way it made me feel but the pull to do it has always been so strong especially if I've had a bad day.

It was crazy really as I knew I wouldn't bring it all up and that I was gaining weight as normal bulimics are often normal or a tad over weight but I kept with it thinking I would just purge harder next time. Allot of bulimics eat things such as ice cream believing it easy to vomit, in hindsight this is pretty stupid as sugars are absorbed rapidly (think about how quickly a type 1 diabetic recovers from eating sugar during a hypoglycaemic attack) and sugars are one of the main culprits in weight gain.

I'm very happy with my decision to cut out grains, dairy, added sugars, legumes and processed foods and to add organic produce to my diet again. I've eaten paleo previously and it worked great for me, amazing body, skin, energy, mood and am looking forward to getting back to that point. For now though I'm going through the withdrawals! My head is aching and feels fuzzy which I remember well from the first time I did the whole 30.  (Last year) and my cravings are tough but I'm trying so hard to work through them.

I wish that I has never gotten onto the slippery slope of getting off my paleo diet and back onto my disordered eating. My current time overseas hasn't helped, to start with healthy food is hard to come by here (not impossible though so no excuse) the main reason is that I've felt so lonely and isolated here. I'm spending six months on the other side of the world from my home, friends and family for work; this is my second six month absence in the last 18 months. An eating disorder can seem like a friendly thing, you feel like you can control it at first and start to look forward to getting home at the end of the day to lose yourself in the comfort of it, it's like coming home to a lover. I imagine it's the same for an alcoholic and eventually you realise it's destroying you but feel almost powerless to stop.

So here I am, fat, unhealthy and ashamed but taking my life back. Even though I'm eating more I remind myself that everything I'm eating is healthy and contains nutrients to restore and not damage my health, apart probably from my paleo treat my foods are healthful and nutrient dense. So while I may put on more weight in this initial phase I'm healing myself.

I've been taking omega 3 fish oil and a vitamin b complex (soy/dairy/grain free) to help moderate my moods and have been eating a serving of sauerkraut or kimchi (sugar free) before bed to restore healthy gastrointestinal flora as my recent foray back into binge/purge has probably left me pretty depleted.

I can imagine that it must seem pretty stupid to some reading this that I've recognised that I have a problem and am using diet, supplements, exercise and blogging to help rather then seek medical intervention. When I'm home I will possibly seek treatment but while I'm here and in a difficult situation, all medical care I receive is through my workplace doctors this means that I will probably be sent home if I admit to my disorder which will be damaging to my career.

I simply can't risk it but feel the key to recovery is managing my own impulse control and ability to self soothe and really only I can change my behaviours. This should get me through for the last month or so until I'm home, then I'm joining a recovery group. No one should so this alone.

Self loathing and strong cravings

Is actually been 3 days since my last post but due to blogger issues I had to repost last night.

So far I'm going fairly well, I'm not eating dairy, added sugar, grains and and foods with a bunch of sweeteners of chemicals and I'm eating real food not replacements. My energy levels are really good, I went for a run through the mountains yesterday with no issues and will go again today so the no grains aren't causing me issues although I am trying to counter the typical slump people feel by eating yams and a small amount of fruit. I will eventually titrate these to my exercise levels but for now the real effort needs to focus on my making healthy choices without feeling deprived.

It's interesting that I noted this trigger in myself as I was reading a study last night that talks about dieting and restriction as being a key factor in binges for those of us predisposed..yay for knowing my own body! A different study talk about the different effects sugar has on the brains of people with EDs as opposed to normal eaters; during an MRI it was shown that anorexics brain activity identified a stress response to sugar whereas a bulimics showed an over excitation in areas that displayed reward. It's normal for sugar to have this effect which leads many experts to believe it is an addictive substance, what's not known is if it's genetics that cause an abnormal response or if it's a result from a habit of poor choices. Given my experience I'd say it's both, while I may be predisposed to an ED based on genetics my choices can determine if it's active or dormant.

I'm sleeping well and don't have the hate the world or carb flu that so many people report - I did when I stated last week though so either my body has recovered from my last binge quickly or those symptoms people report are psychosomatic.

Emotionally this is tough. I am constantly fighting my urges right now sometimes they are so strong it's unsettling and I've realised how I've linked so much emotion and comfort to food that I almost feel unsettled without it. I try and distract myself but there have been real moments that I've sat in my car about to drive to the shop to get chocolate or the like. I'm treating it as though it were a smoking addiction (or at least how I assume it would be) I try and talk myself down using logic by telling myself that each urge I ignore will make the next one weaker.

I'm eating more to avoid hunger and really hate my body right now, it sickens me so eating more is hard. I'm 5'6 (173cm) and 154 pounds (70kg) which I have never been and my desire is to starve to lose but so far that hasn't worked for me too well.

Admitting I have a problem

If you read my very short (!) whole30 blog you will have probably noted
the abrupt end and switch to this topic, what started out as a simple Whole30 blog has by necessity
become something a bit more personal. I suppose the great thing about the
Whole30 is that it has made me really examine my eating disorder/s (ED) and
their effect on my emotional and physical self. I suffer from a binge eating
disorder (BED) and subsequent bulimia, I have had these issues for years
although with my recent move overseas it has become worse.

I will keep the posts of my Whole30 blog as a preamble but to be fair to the
folks at Whole30 will dissociate this blog as being directly related. Don't
get me wrong, I think that the Whole30 is a sensible, straightforward
approach to health and nutrition and it will certainly form the basis of my
recovery.  I believe in the principles set out on their website and their
book "It Starts With Food" and think it will help me to reach the outcome I
desire being recovery from my EDs and a healthier mind and body but I don't
want them to be "responsible" for my success and setbacks as they never set
out to treat EDs.

The reason that I think a whole 30 approach to food will help is in relation
to my food triggers. If you read my whole30 posts you will know that I had
to go into the field for about 6 days and tried to take alternatives to the
provided MREs. I did pretty well actually, in addition to the already candy
style high sugar, refined carbs, bad fat meals given to us people decided to
bring along an abundance of candy bars, sport drink powders and the like. I
managed to stay away from it all and stuck to my nuts/jerky/tuna diet. I
didn't feel amazing but processed meats and nuts are obviously not the way
to optimal health although was a better solution than the alternative.

I may have gone through some of the physical struggles that people describe
in the initial Whole30 stages, but I was also performing physical tasks in a
high altitude, humid environment, sleeping on the ground for a total of
about 5 hours a night. I was tired and my hands and feet swelled up which is
probably due to a number of factors given my environment! I woke up well
though and didn't have any of the weird racing heart feelings that I've been
experiencing which was really great.

On the last day I was given a fiber bar by a friend who was very proud to
have kept it for me, I felt bad so I ate it. This triggered by disordered
thinking in a couple of ways, the first was the addictive reaction to the
food, as usual I couldn't be happy with that one bar and needed more junk.
The second was the thought that "Oh well I've stuffed up already may as well
make it a good one."

On my return journey I opened an MRE for the first time and ate packets of
peanut butter on fake bread and plastic tasting cakes. I wanted more but
stopped myself.  The following day (yesterday) I had massive urges but
successfully fought them, the day after not so well done though.

I was working at my desk and someone asked me to join them for some birthday
cake. As before I felt rude saying no so had a slice and the exact same
physical and thought process began. I binged horribly last night, pop tarts,
large slices of garlic bread with melted cheese and Reece's. I wasn't hungry
but this is never hunger related. I knew what I was doing, I knew how bad it
was but couldn't give a damn. I received no satisfaction from these foods,
but I never really do when I binge.

In addition to the self loathing and disgust that followed the worst of my
physical symptoms returned. Last night I could not sleep due to the racing
heart returning and my skin itched, this morning I woke up feeling groggy
and hung over.  I am more certain than ever now of how unhealthy these foods
are, I suppose the break was just long enough for my body to get used to
their absence.

I don't want this anymore. I want to be kind to my body and to deal with my
issues. I'm going to try and follow the whole30 to help my recovery but am
going to make a couple of tweaks. The main being that in the initial stages
I will allow myself one paleo treat a week, each week I get through will see
me being rewarded in this manner. I know that this seems counter intuitive
but food as a reward has never been my issue, more food as a habit or even a
punishment. I feel that if I can have something to work toward and look
forward to I won't get the deprivation response of needing to run off on a
binge.